Entropy

Sitting in Tomlinson and updating my blog when I should be looking at some stuff for polymers class... but whatever man, it's Blackwell. (So glad he is teaching it now!!!) Can you tell I'm graduating in May?! I want that degree, baby! (LoTR voice: give me the diploma!! my precious....)

Anyhow, on to different things. I think I'm going through a personality change. (As if I wasn't warped enough before.) I used to love hanging out in large groups that took up lots of tables in restaurants and entire rows at concerts. After I went to DC, all of this changed for a reason I can't explain. All of a sudden, large groups just seemed so annoying. I suddenly found conversations held in large groups to be shallow and superficial.

I'm not saying I don't like large group activities like IM sports, or even going out with a large group every once in a while. What I'm saying is that I no longer enjoy large groups on a regular basis. Maybe it's just because the entropy level is too much for me now.

I'm still at a loss to figure out how and when I started feeling this way. Perhaps it was when I was on my own in DC. If I wanted to hang with people, I went, but much of my life was independent - very different from the school environment where there always seemed to be a stream of people hanging around me. In a sense, the independence was refreshing - I think I felt stifled sometimes at school, unable to do or say what I really wanted to.

It's funny to hear people say they miss the dorm environment. I did when I was in Philly on my first co-op, but I didn't miss it a bit when I was in DC and I don't miss it now. Don't get me wrong - I did miss my closest friends (and I still miss the ones I don't see), but I think this feeling came about because I found that I could be more selective in terms of the folks I am closest to. I don't really think I understood that before, and as a result I had lots of friends but was really never close to anyone. I'm not trying to insult anyone, but it's the truth.

I like to talk (it's getting me shut my trap that's the trick), but as a very private person it is hard to get me to talk about myself unless you really know me well. I have found that I now yearn for deeper conversation (not just about myself... you know what I mean) but I usually don't open up in public, especially not with a large group of people. (I tend to be the goofy one in large groups. Otherwise known as the group nutcase.) I need small groups (or one-on-ones) for that. And even then... if you don't ask me how I feel about something, I likely won't tell you. I don't really expect that side of me to change - one of those innate traits that you have from the moment you come into the world.

Ok. Enough jibbah-jabbahring for now. :-)