Storytime!

Ok kids - it's storytime. :-) Just a couple of snippets since your attention span is so short. Most of these are stories about or from my patients - ones that I want to share here because at most of our reunions I never get a word in edgewise. ;-) These are ones that those of you in clinical experiences can relate to. So here we go...

Floaties
So one of my patients comes in with his wife, and they proceed to tell me about a trip to Israel that they took with their church. They went to the Dead Sea to go swimming and to see if you really could float (since there is such a high concentration of salt in the Dead Sea). My patient isn't such a fan of swimming, so he was pretty hesitant but dutifully followed his wife into the water. Soon he felt himself sinking and really uncomfortable. He reached for his wife next to him, and she started to panic as he began to drag her down with him. Thankfully, their friends spotted their struggle and came running to get my patient out of the water. My patient's wife came running up the beach after my patient and his rescuers to make sure he was ok. Then her best friend came running up next to her and said, "I hate to tell you this right now, but your entire chest is hanging outside of your bathing suit." My patient had pulled his wife's suit down during his struggle in the water! My patient's excuse: "Well, I says to my wife, I was going down and I had to reach for the most buoyant things I saw!!"

Seatbelt law
Premise: Indiana began enforcing a seatbelt law in July 2007 for pick-up truck drivers. One of my patients tries to get out of it.
Pt: I need Dr. _____ to write a letter for me because they says we have to wear seatbelts in my truck from now on and my seatbelt bothers my de-fib-u-la-tor.
Me: Well... you can go to a hardware store and pick up one of those sheep skin covers to put on your seatbelt, right where it goes over your defibrillator.
Pt: Tried that. Still bothers me. I need a doctor letter from Dr. ______.
Me: Well, Dr. ______ is not going to write you one.
Pt: Ok. Well, I had to try.

My song
Premise: During an ablation, my physician states that he's found the song in my namesake on iTunes. I know of two songs titled "Mary Ann" (one by Ray Charles, one by Alice Cooper) but the one he is referring to is "Mary Anne" by Marshall Crenshaw.
EP (busts out with lyrics to the chorus): "Mary Anne, Mary Anne/I really want to tell you/Mary Anne, Mary Anne/I'm thinking of you..."
Me: ::silence::
EP: Have you ever heard that song?
Me: No, I have not.
EP: You mean, you've never heard of that song, or you've just never heard it the way I sang it?

Hard-of-hearing
One of my clinic nurses was calling a patient regarding the scheduling of an appointment.
Nurse: And if you have any questions, just call back here and ask for me. My name is Penni.
::pause::
Nurse: PENNI. P-E-N-N-I.
::pause::
Nurse: No, P. P as in Paul. P-E-...
::pause::
Nurse: No, Penni, like the coin.
::pause::
Nurse: PENNI. You know, like, quarter, nickel, dime... I'm PENNI!!!!!
::pause::
Nurse: P-E-N-N-Y... P as in Paul!!!!!

Yeah. She even changed the spelling of her name so that the patient would get it!