Drop all the smileys. Drop all the merriment and usual goofiness. At the time that I am writing this, I am at one of the lowest points of my life thus far. I think the stress finally got to me - and now I'm a complete mess of emotions. If you're uncomfortable with the fact that I am not my usual perky self and that I'm going to be brutally honest in these next few paragraphs, stop reading right now and close this window. Go read something happy and harmless.

Most of you who know me well know that I don't like talking about myself. In fact, when a conversation starts to center around me and my problems, I change the subject. It's a habit I've had since I was in first grade. You also know that I don't like complaining - that I prefer to just shut up and pull myself together. So this is going to be hard for me to put everything down in a blog. But I feel that if I don't write something down I'll never learn from it.

Basically, I am worn out. I am sick of being the organized one, sick of being the brave one, sick of trying to be mature and understanding. The two people I love dearest are far away in a country where a disease is supposedly on the rampage and I have had no contact with them for days. Another family member is busy hurting the rest of my family without any intention to stop. I have not been in contact with any school friends. They have very busy lives - and I don't interfere when folks are busy. But because of the 300+ miles between us I have no part in their lives, and they have none in mine. I have no friends where I work. That's right: NONE. I have work acquaintances - but understand that outside of our great work relationships, they have families and lives and lifestyles of their own. I can rely on no one here to play golf with or go shopping with or see a concert or watch a ball game. I have no significant other because I always give up guys to man-hungry estrogen-riding females. I have a hamster who only wants to eat food off of my hands but offers no listening ear, no word of encouragement. And so I turn to work. I stay overtime, but my results don't turn out. I come in early, but I get ridiculed for doing what someone told me to do when the instruction was actually incorrect. I trust my elders and those who are in charge of certain tasks, but I get in trouble for assuming things and nearly cost my department an important job. If you haven't figured it out yet, people, I'm a FREAKIN' FAILURE.

And it's gotten to the point that I want to give up. I could turn to so many other things right now - more overtime at work, or TV, or taking that invitation to happy hour and go waste away in Margaritaville and throw myself at some guy's feet. And believe me, it's tempting. I think I see why people do that - hey, they've got nowhere else to go, nobody else to turn to.

But there's a difference. I DO have Someone to turn to. Someone who I sometimes forget is there. Someone who I can talk to at any time - and Someone who knows what I'm thinking even when I don't express it verbally. Someone who works in wonderous ways, even though I do not see it that way at the time. Someone who I can actually trust. And Someone who knows how difficult it is to do the right thing. That Someone, my dear friends, is God.

Yeah, go ahead and ridicule me. Call me weak. Call me a religious freak. Call me confused and emotional. But someday when you are truly lonely and desperate and down so low, and you turn around and find that you have no friends, no family, no material thing which you can turn to - and you will KNOW what I mean. You'll find out when you've given something everything you've got and the end result is not what you wanted. And I pray that even though you might not see it now, that someday you might just turn to the One that really loves you for who you are. I say all this because I know what rough times we can go through in this life - and should you ever find yourself in the same position that I am in now, I don't want you to turn to those things that will really hurt you, because those things will be there to tempt you and you need to say no. Don't give in to some temporary fix, because as tough as your life is now, that "fix" is only going to make things worse and make you do more fixing.

Yes, I've learned to adapt to life here. I've learned how to be a very defensive driver in a busy city with chaotic commutes. I've learned how to pull a shell around myself and not let the comments of colleagues affect my work, however offensive or wrong those comments may be. I've learned how to put my foot down when someone is being unreasonable. I've learned how to make judgments and decisions on what should be done when my superiors are not present and I have no one to consult. But being able to adapt doesn't change my circumstances. I am still far away from what is familiar to me. I still eat 75% of my meals alone. Yet the funny (ironic) thing is that even when I have lost all hope and feel that the silence is deafening and I begin sobbing, I KNOW. I know that God is there to comfort me AND work things out somehow, even though I only see what is presently in front of me.

And that is exactly how I feel right now.