Listen to the music

Yes, I've been MIA for a while. But that's because I was here:

And I ran into these people:


And then I went here:

And met these people:


(Translation: I went to Baltimore for the BMES conference and also got a chance to visit my former colleagues at the FDA. And then I headed out to Salt Lake City for the TBP national convention where I got to meet other Tau Bates from across the country. My roommate was from Puerto Rico. Pretty cool, huh?)

Anyhow, what I really wanted to blog about was something I just rediscovered. You see, I picked up my violin for the first time today in almost a year. (The last time I played was at Liz and Ian's wedding last November...) Thanks to the Suzuki method of ear training and finger pattern recognition, I remembered quite a few of the songs without any sheet music. It was funny for me to discover that the same runs and hard spots that used to trip me up as a kid still trip me up now.

The other thing I found was that I am nowhere near as technically proficient as I used to be. However, I feel as though I have more depth in expression. I used to use my violin as a means for expressing the feelings that I could not verbally release. But growing up, I didn't like the songs that required a deeper amount of understanding. My breakthrough in emotional expression through my violin came from the Rachmaninoff piece "Vocalise." That song still has a huge grip on me, and to this day I get so emotionally overwhelmed whenever I play it or hear a recording of it that I always have to take a few moments to regain my composure after the song is finished.

And today - looking back at some of the stuff I used to play, I think I was much more able to put in some feeling into what I was playing, compared to my high school years. It's funny - once you have matured and gone through the different stages in life, your ability to "feel" a piece of music and express it appropriately increases immensely. And this comes at a different time for each musician. I used to squirm (or puke) when I had to play anything from the Romantic period of music; the pieces from that time are usually slow, lyrical, and not offensive. I have always preferred the showy, exciting, vibrant showstoppers. But I think I've been able to appreciate the Romantic pieces more since college (although I still like to mix it up depending on my mood). Maybe it's because the more lyrical pieces are less difficult technically than the showy stuff and easier for me to grasp, now that I have mastered the skills of expression for such music.

I wonder if my grandfather ever knew, as he was listening to me screeching and scratching away at simple tunes like "Hot Cross Buns" on that little wooden box 18 years ago, that I would not only develop the skills but also the understanding for the classical music that he loved so much. I wonder if he ever knew that I would be able to someday portray all the images: an sweet, clear song sung by an innocent youth; a rich, colorful gypsy complete with a bright costume and a cigar in his bow hand as he fiddled away; a contemplative walk on a windy or rainy fall day - sometimes deep, sometimes distant. I've been able to use my violin to express myself just about anywhere - in groups, individually, at church, during weddings... you name it. My longtime violin instructor used to tell me that expression was not something that she could teach me, but something that I would develop over time. And now, almost 20 years later, I understand.